WEBVTT
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A quick note before we begin.
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Some of the topics in this episode may be sensitive or triggering.
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Please listen with care and remember it's okay to pause.
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Skip or seek support if anything feels overwhelming.
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Also, the information shared here is for educational and informational purposes only.
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Coaching, like the guidance shared here in this episode, focuses on self reflection and actionable steps.
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And it's meant to be therapeutic, but not medical or therapy support.
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Your well being is the priority as you listen.
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So take care.
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I'm your host, Nikita Williams, and I went from living a normal life to all of a sudden being in constant pain with no answers to being diagnosed with multiple chronic illnesses and trying to make a livable income.
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I found the surprisingly simple steps to starting and growing a profitable business without compromising my health or my peace.
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Together, we're shifting the narrative of what's possible.
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This is Business with Chronic Illness.
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We are going to be talking about being an eldest daughter.
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I have been so excited about talking about this.
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We have Nikkei on the show, but first, before we, like, do an introduction, I want us to just, why is being an eldest daughter, running a business, and living with chronic illness, like, the triple whammy of life?
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And then on top of that, if you have that chronic illness, Then, with a chronic illness, you have to take stock of yourself, what is your body saying, but that is sometimes so blurred as an eldest daughter because you're too focused on everybody else that you're missing the warning signs or the messages that your body's sending you.
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So then you compound all three of those together and it's like, it can be this messy soup that's in a pressure cookie cooker and just is building up pressure.
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And
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so if you don't use tools to help you work through releasing that pressure over time before it builds up too much, it can create a storm in your body, in your life, in your business.
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And so, yeah, those three things together can be really lethal if it goes unchecked.
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I mean, that alone, just like.
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Can we get a like, yes, please say that again?
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Yes.
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Say it again for them.
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I don't know what you mean.
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You're just like, wait, wait, wait a minute.
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Right.
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Mm hmm.
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And I am a firstborn eldest daughter, Nigerian American.
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And so this niche was not blatantly loud in my face.
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Let's just say that.
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I was looking on helping everybody else, obviously.
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I mean, I went from women in general to then moms.
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I mean, all these different places.
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But this was not blatantly loud until it was basically told to me like, no, this is who you need to help.
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And that's when everything started connecting.
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And my story, I was like, it's been here the whole time.
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And not even realizing that clients I had been working with were eldest daughters.
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And so, This started like all the way back, well, I feel like what triggered the start of my healing journey as an eldest daughter was in 2021.
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I was on the second leg of caregiving.
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I caregave for my first step, my first parent, my dad, who passed in 2018, and I was caregiving for my mom.
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Thank you.
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In 2021, and what triggered it was just being fed up.
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I was angry.
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I was so angry.
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It was palpable in my body.
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Like, I felt triggered that why do I look around at my siblings, my peers, my friends, and everyone is pursuing their dreams, getting the house, having the kids, getting married, living abroad, doing the thing.
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And I'm still here not pursuing any of the things that I desire to do because I keep sacrificing time, money, desires for other people.
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And it wasn't bad, like you want to show up and take care of your loved ones, but at what cost?
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I was so depressed and was having really dark thoughts and was really, really angry.
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And so through a series of different decisions, I learned that I need to change my relationships, but specifically how I show up in those relationships.
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And once I worked on that, I That's when things started to shift and change.
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And when I looked back at what skills served me to be able to actually sustain this, even three years later, it came down to like four specific eldest daughter skills, like I like to call them.
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And so that's how I kind of like arrived towards this specific group of people, but also understanding like what we need in order to create the harmony that we deserve in our life.
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Yeah,
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Okay, so when I think about this, because I remember me and you and a couple of, like, several other amazing women were in a room together and we were having this conversation about, just like our marketing, our niche, and all that kind of stuff with our businesses.
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You were.
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And then I was like, but are you that?
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Wait a
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minute.
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I'm confused.
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Yes.
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She called me out in the best way, y'all.
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The best way.
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I needed that.
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Like when you're born into this world as the oldest, like there really is.
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Yeah.
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Like from a family that's multicultural, like it's definitely a thing.
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Because I never heard of anything or anyone talking about this or even, you know.
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Because not everybody in the world can relate to this.
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If you're an eldest daughter and you don't have or feel any of these pressures, girl, I am like clapping for you right now, right now.
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I'm mad.
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Why am I mad?
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It's not from a place of not wanting to be there for people.
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And so to your point, we add this into the layers of having a business.
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So let's start from that angle, from like business as an elder starter.
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One, this idea to save your clients or customers, like, I have to save them.
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Like the everything is an emergency or very urgent.
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So they send you an email.
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Hey, just wanted to let you know I need to reschedule our session.
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You drop everything to respond.
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Go to your calendar.
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Check like when.
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Is that the business hours you put in your contract that you were available to receive a response?
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Did you say you have 48 hours to respond?
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So if you feel like there's always this need to save your clients or your customers in any way, everything becomes urgent, that's a sign.
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The second one is like this ability that you have to earn their validation and earn their praise, because to you it's connected.
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Some people it may be worth, but some people it may be the validation of your authority and credentials.
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So you're constantly trying to over, you can over deliver, but without sacrificing yourself.
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So like you're trying to earn it, like doing the most, making these promises, just saying whatever comes out because, Oh, this sounds good.
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Maybe then that they will say this and this, and then I will feel like, okay, I actually am supposed to be doing this, or I am credentialed enough, or I am good enough, like I say in my marketing.
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So this, this sense of trying to earn the praise and validation.
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And then the other thing I think about is just people pleasing, like just not simply saying that's not what I offer in my coaching package, or that's not one of the services that are in my a la carte instead of like, and we can have nuance.
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Like Nikita shared, like you can decide, Oh, I've never thought about offering that as a service.
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Instead of saying, you know what, I don't offer that, but give me some time to think about that and I can get back to you.
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Instead of people pleasing, be like, oh, absolutely, I can make that happen.
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And in your mind, you're like, how am I going to do this?
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I'm already at capacity right now.
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So there's two different ways that that happens.
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One is a healthy way that honors you and the client.
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And another one is like honoring the client, but not honoring you.
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And so
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I feel like if you're doing like those top three things, then You have some issues with your eldest daughter mentality that you've been accustomed to, you've had to adapt to in your family to survive, that is bleeding into how you show up as a business owner.
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And when Nikita was sharing about when you think about the exchange of money and how that comes with more like responsibility, I literally was like, I just got this exposed and coaching with my money coach of me thinking I was serving people for free for too long.
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Because I was like, the moment they pay me, I have to be perfect.
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She was like, wait, what?
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And I was like, yeah, I have to be able to solve everything, do everything, and just be perfect.
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I don't want to let them down.
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And that's one of my biggest fears is letting people down, whether they're my family or not.
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And so really like that eldest daughter narrative was bleeding into my cells and affecting my cells and affecting.
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And she said, no, your identity just needs to be I get my clients results, not I need to be perfect when someone gives me an exchange of money.
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So that's another like side off where your eldest daughter narratives, if they are unchecked in a healthy way, can bleed into your business and affect you.
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I mean, come on, y'all, come on, wait, come on, right, like, like, like, that's just a real all of all, all three, four of those things, right?
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I have a lot of growing up around thinking about money.
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Like if you need it and you want it, you want to figure it out.
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So as an elder starter, I definitely saw that immediately in my business where I'm like money.
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like the exchange of money added more pressure, but I knew I needed the money.
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So the perfection came after you paid me, right?
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Yeah.
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What like else, when it comes to people pleasing, I think people think, specifically women, that It's okay to do it sometimes.
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And I don't, I don't know how this applies to anyone who's the only daughter I can imagine.
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What are those things look like?
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conflict, I feel good.
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But what we don't realize it's like you're just chasing a dopamine hit.
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It goes away.
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And then now you're still in your head of, okay, now I have to get ahead, anticipate, manage the next thing to keep this person or to or try to keep this person in our mind, happy or satisfied or okay, or that I'm doing a good job.
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And so it ends up being like this hamster wheel.
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And so I feel like when you're people pleasing, like, you are constantly thinking about, before you answer that, yourself, before you're actually thinking about the other person, it's like, oh my gosh, if someone, like, for an example, recently, friends sent a group chat, we're going to go to Jamaica next year in May, you know, we're so excited, who wants to come in, it wasn't, my first thought wasn't, oh, I can't do this, I'm not, Adding another line item in my budget this year, it was, Ooh, are they going to talk about me if I say no?
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Is there another group chat that's going to be started if I'm like, Oh, I can't afford to go on this trip, like, it was like, I wanted to control the narrative about me, it became about like my ego, instead of just giving everybody the benefit of the doubt, and saying, and saying, asking myself, do I want to go on this trip?
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Notice I didn't even think about me first.
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I immediately thought about them, about me.
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So, when you're people pleasing, you're constantly showing up, thinking and trying to anticipate about the other person's perceptions about you.
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Or, if I do this, what are they going to do for me?
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Like, you know what I mean?
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Like, if I help my sibling go to the airport at the crack of dawn when I told them that I'm going to have a really busy day with meetings, like, what are they going to do for me the next time I need to go to the airport?
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And we know, as Elders Daughters, we be stacking things away in our Rolodex in our mind.
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Remember back Three months ago on Tuesday at three o'clock when you were in L.
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A.
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and I was in Atlanta, and you asked me to do this during FaceTime, we recall because it's about us.
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So I think about it that way, like that can show up in so many different ways depending on the dynamic work, family, friends, where you're at and what's happening.
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Especially the last part.
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You be like, you be like, really?
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And they like, I don't know what you're talking about.
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They live in their peace.
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Right?
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The thing I recently, y'all I'm really being vulnerable with y'all on this episode.
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It's more of like, because if there's no control, then something's going to break.
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That's really, that's my fear.
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Like I don't have time for that.
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And so it is like you.
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To me, people pleasing is more about controlling other people to avoid hurting or harming yourself.
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But in a much more, like, I feel like mutual experience, right?
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I love that you said that, but like, that's a really good, good point.
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So.
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Like, it's usually emotional baggage with the family or things that are going on.
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It's emotional, right?
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And It is one of those things that you're like, how does that bleed into your capacity?
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It leads,
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because
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And also, I find for some of my clients that are Elvis daughters, it turns into perfectionism.
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They give, like you were saying, they want to give so much in order to stay safe.
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What are some things that we need to be aware of?
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Yeah, and I do want to preface to for those listening who do have a chronic illness like I was diagnosed with an autoimmune condition back in 2022 and I didn't realize that All the flares I was having leading up to the diagnosis were perpetuated by stress.
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Yes.
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And when I was diagnosed, it's because the flare got so bad that I was losing all my, my hair and it was like kind of just taking over my face.
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And so, I just want to preface this from a perspective of, I empathize with you and I may not from your specific experience, but going from a diagnosis and the fear and the anger and not knowing what, okay, what does this mean for me in the future?
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And all of that.
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But what I do know is that sometimes I think even if family knows, because I did share with like some family members and some select friends, um, when I got diagnosed, if they don't see an outward sign of a struggle or pain, it's almost as if, oh, she's fine.
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You still juggling so many balls.
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You're like, Oh, she good.
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Like we knew she was the strong one.
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Look at her go.
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So let's let's see if she can help out with this.
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And so you are internally are like feeling a lot of pain or a lot of frustration or guilt or shame of how can I say I cannot.
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Or not today, or can you ask someone else to do that, or I can't answer the phone right now, you know, the ones where you call them back and it's like, Oh, I called you, but you didn't answer, Oh, is there an entitlement that you're supposed to always have access to me, you know, so then we get these narratives of feeling a lot of guilt and shame and frustration around, um, our bodies, even like, why are you presenting this obstacle for me that I can't show up for my people in the way that I want to when I want to.
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So then maybe our anger gets directed at our own bodies.
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And then even just like, well, if I ask for help, who's going to come through for me?
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Then I feel like, yeah, we're on a lone island by ourselves, balancing this chronic illness.
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And that can be extremely.
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Isolating, because then it, that's where the resent, I feel like resentment comes in heavy.
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Because you're like, how can I show up for y'all all the time, and yet, I don't even know if I ask, if someone, you may say yes, but are you going to follow through?
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Are you going to remember?
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Are you going to hold it over me?
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And then ask for a triple more for something else, you know, like we really like think about these things.
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And so the chronic illness presents another deepened layer that again can leave us feeling angry, guilt, shame, and even just loneliness of like, who is here for me?
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And if you have a partner that is supportive, it doesn't minimize your partner being there, what they do for you.
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Your family or that closest friendship that you have shown up for time and time again in every situation that you don't even know with full confidence can be there or would be there for you if you were to ask.
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So it becomes very, very, very complicated and blurred.
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Girl, I ain't gonna cry.
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No,
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That's that's what it is.
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Like you, you have to do this work.
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If you become a coach, you become aware of thoughts and narratives and like life that you're living.
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You thought being the only person or being the person because you are the, it was all of these things that we're talking about.
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Even though it is normal, like, for everyone else to see it, but it's not, it's not normal and in a, in a good way, a healthy way for us to operate in the world.
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Like it literally, a lot of us don't realize that probably half of our chronic illness is and half of our autoimmune visible or invisible.
00:25:46.376 --> 00:25:53.886
And stress in all of them, all of us whose trauma was just from, like, family drama and, like, all of this stuff usually manifests into, like, some kind of sickness, is usually triggered by stress.
00:26:07.076 --> 00:26:19.426
Mm hmm.
00:26:21.366 --> 00:26:23.017
It triggers, you know, more pain.
00:26:24.517 --> 00:26:25.896
It's a ripple effect.
00:26:26.636 --> 00:26:32.862
00:26:33.372 --> 00:26:38.321
Like, I needed this episode as much as I needed to share this episode because living with chronic illness by itself y'all, just by itself, that's enough.
00:26:50.642 --> 00:26:52.571
00:26:52.592 --> 00:26:53.362
00:26:53.602 --> 00:26:54.092
It's very true.
00:26:55.301 --> 00:26:59.471
Like, we like, Oh Lord, what did I do?
00:27:02.142 --> 00:27:04.071
We just.
00:27:05.122 --> 00:27:05.392
Yeah.
00:27:05.642 --> 00:27:08.241
who's like, oh my gosh, y'all, like, are speaking my language, I don't feel alone, like, I finally get someone who understands this and gets it and is like, put into words why I might be feeling this resist, resentment, why I'm feeling lonely, even though I'm surrounded by people all of the time, like those things, what can they start doing now?
00:27:29.346 --> 00:27:37.376
Transcribed
00:27:38.037 --> 00:27:53.926
Yes, and I am going to share this knowing that the eldest daughters listening are going to try and implement this like today, today, but this is literally something that is a lifelong journey that improves with every single one person.
00:27:54.156 --> 00:27:59.696
Like that 1 percent adds up, whether that's a 1 percent over a week or 1 percent over a month.
00:28:00.067 --> 00:28:05.366
So be kind to yourself, but I have broken it down in like four skills.
00:28:05.386 --> 00:28:06.997
I like to call them the eldest daughter skills.
00:28:07.057 --> 00:28:10.517
And the first one is like communication with grace, but it's direct.
00:28:11.781 --> 00:28:16.582
That is basically noticing what you need and making a request for it.
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And I say request because everybody loves to have choice.
00:28:20.902 --> 00:28:31.906
So if you notice, you're about to start having a flare, making a request to a sibling or a parent of, Hey, I noticed that I'm not going to be feeling well here for a couple of days.
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